O

n the path of enlightenment, letting go of the ego is a process. Happening in stages, sometimes it sneaks up and surprises. That can be delicious, though the moment one is proud of the ease with which it occurred the previous moment, the ego is back in play.

Other times it is a hard won battle involving struggles with shame, resentment, resistance, fear, even terror. At which point one doesn’t know if a battle was won or exhaustion set in.

Then at other times, there’s this little power struggle where the ego turns loose and, though it doesn’t feel good, one stills and settles in the middle of the release, and observes the choice made. I’ve had recent experiences with this third one that I want to share with you today.

I’ve been in two social situations recently where in conversation with two different women I discovered we weren’t actually having a conversation. Rather than a dialogue it had become two competing monologues. A point had been reached where if I said one more word, the other woman and I were going to be locked in a competition – bragging about our personal experiences of the subject matter.

At that very point in each conversation, feeling my own need to compete rise, I stopped talking, dropped into listening mode, and let the other woman have the last word.

I realized three things as a result:

1. Surrendering to the frustration of allowing me to feel unseen and unheard in those moments was humbling.

2. To notice this “competing monologues phenomenon,” I must have looked into the faces of the women I was speaking with in order to pick up those clues. I had to have been listening to their body language even as I spoke. For months I’ve held the intention to stop looking up, down, and all around whenever I spoke to someone. I must have succeeded with that intention.

3. I made a powerful choice for peace, compassion, and old fashioned getting along with others; rather than dropping out of the conversation, in a space of licking my wounds as though I was sad and pitiful for not being seen and heard (as I might have done in the past.)

4. It was grace that created the opportunity to witness my ego turning loose of a competition. I didn’t set out to have conversations free of competition. A problem presented itself and my ego acquiesced to the solution.

Some people on the path of enlightenment talk about the shedding of the ego being a painful process along the lines of being skinned alive. That level of intensity does happen. But sometimes the process comes with relative ease.

As my dear friend and mentor, Bill Bauman, would say – and putting it in my own words…Instead of going to war with the ego, invite the ego to come along for the ride of maturation and transformation.

My beautiful ego, illusion though it is, has taken excellent care of me my whole life long. As a result, I have the ego strength to sit in the discomfort of being humbled by the choice to recognize that I am not being seen and heard by the person I’m speaking with and choose to surrender to that, let it be, let her have the last word, and let her feel seen and heard.

It hurts a little to surrender like that. It is also an experience of grace to add this type of experiential learning to my spiritual practice. And I have the ego strength to manage that hurt and not be undone by it.

So, the ego – even though illusion – can cooperate with my soul’s desire to evolve on this path of enlightenment and spiritual awakening. My soul can decide that lessening the ego’s hold, practicing the art of being present and sitting in the great void is good stuff. Rather than a ripping, a tearing, a dark night of the soul, it can be a gentle and heart opening experience.