Ego and Soul: It’s a Symbiotic Relationship

copyright © 2013 Sarah Elizabeth Malinak, all rights reserved.

or two days I felt crestfallen, aimless, depressed. Before that I’d had weeks of feeling invigorated, productive, involved. During those two days, I could not talk myself out of how bad I felt. It didn’t make sense and I couldn’t make sense of it. It frightened me because, if I couldn’t think my way out of it, when would it end?

Finally, late at night on day two of this strange melancholy, the reason for it dawned on me…

I’d recently experienced a situation where I received a great deal of praise and recognition from people about whom I care deeply. Our investment in each other went on for weeks, keeping my cell phone busy with calls, texts, and voice mails. The situation not only made me feel appreciated and recognized, it made me feel needed.

When the attention came to its natural end, I created an excuse to continue feeling needed by a few of the participants. It didn’t take long for me to realize what I really needed was to let go. So I did.

It was not long after deciding to let go that I woke up feeling aimless and depressed. I tried to think my way out of those feelings for two days, to no avail. I was grateful when the truth finally tapped on my shoulder, a like a little bird getting my attention, illuminating what was really going on.

The experience of feeling recognized and being needed for an extended period of time fed my ego in a big way. It was as if my ego got to belly up to an all you can eat buffet every single day for weeks! When the endless buffet disappeared, my ego remained full for awhile but eventually got hungry for more recognition, praise, and opportunities to feel needed with no promise of fulfillment any time soon. And so aimlessness, emptiness, and a sense of depression became companions until I was able to name what was really going on.

The following day relief was followed by purposefulness and productivity. I felt energized and hopeful. I was also curious. Why did it help – that realization that my ego, in desperation for further recognition, had clobbered me with depression? Shouldn’t it have made my ego more desperate for attention rather than making it shush and settle down?

Once the gig was up and the ego caught, I sallied forth as if I’d received a super-duper-fast-acting medicine! Although my ego had held me hostage in depression for forty-eight hours, once I knew what was really going on, it yielded in an instant, accepting defeat!

It occurs to me the ego is strongest when it operates unseen through the subconscious. It also operates very quickly and subtly when it feels desperate to be in charge. Our symbiotic relationship gets stickier as I unconsciously give my ego free reign.

When I do not pay attention and let it feed on the illusion that my worth is found in being needed, it’s like I turn my attention away from my soul, away from what’s real, and exist for awhile in the ego’s illusion; which makes the ego feel all puffed up but also insecure. Like a child given too much sugar, when the ego coaxes me to look outside myself to find meaning and purpose, and suddenly it is no longer fed, it goes into withdrawal and hunger, throwing a temper tantrum to get the adult’s (to get my) attention.

I remember that as a teenager and young adult, whenever I would feel really lousy and worthless, I’d get busy helping someone else in order to feel needed and better. You might recognize that as advice some people give as a way to walk out of feeling bad about or sorry for ourselves. And during that 48-hour melancholy, I considered doing just that, looking for another project where I could feel needed.

On a soul level, though, I knew the way out was to be with it, honor it, and look forward to one day understanding the gifts in it. Sure enough, on the second night and in the shower when I wasn’t thinking about much of anything, the answer to why I felt so bad popped up in my imagination. “Your ego’s been getting off on all the recognition and feeling needed. Feeling aimless and depressed is just an extension of that ego conversation.”

Then “poof!” I felt better. I felt better right then and there. And I woke up the next day ready to get back to living my life.

(Please be assured, I am not saying that all depression is an ego conversation. I have suffered from clinical depression and it was not an ego conversation. I am saying that last week my ego hooked me through feelings of aimlessness and depression as a defense response inside me.)

So, on a soul level, I saw what was going on, in the seeing took my power back, and the ego was either defeated or soothed or both. Like magic – like grace – my ego was happy to go silent and watchful.

It’s as if when I let the soul lead, the ego can relax and trust me to take care of my own life. But when I become blind to how the ego’s been made the stronger one, like an insecure child asked to be the adult, it will act out until I wake up to the problem. Therefore, when I am soulfully strong, the ego can relax and let me lead.

I have learned through the years, when a relationship or life isn’t working, to ask myself, “Is this an ego conversation?” This particular melancholy taught me that, even with feelings, if it isn’t working for me try asking, “Could this be the result of an ego conversation?” If so, freedom is a breath away!