Boundary Setting Boot Camp, self-motivated and self-implemented, is worth the effort! And with the holidays approaching, you might find ample reasons and opportunities to practice boundary setting and detachment.   

From the first time I heard the term “people-pleaser” I’ve known that was me. Pointed out to me when I was younger, it didn’t make much of an impression because it was nothing I was ashamed of. I knew it sometimes got me into fixes with people because, for instance, if someone said, “Would you do me a favor?” I’d have said, “Sure,” before I knew what the favor was, which got me into some odd commitments. Also, as a child and youth I was more attached to pleasing authority figures than peers, which kept me out of trouble. So, mostly, people-pleasing seemed to serve me and the people in my life well.

Two things of note about people-pleasing: 1) It is rare for someone to intervene, telling a people-pleaser the truth about themselves with the intention of helping them correct a problem, because people-pleasers attract many folk who happily take advantage of them. And that starts in childhood.  2) However, when a people-pleaser is treated like a doormat enough times, they begin to wake up. Each one’s tolerance for being treated poorly is unique, so there is no universal equation for when waking up occurs.

I began to slowly wake up to the problem of people-pleasing when someone who was in the habit of relying on my generosity and desire to please made fun of me when I answered yes to the will-you-do-me-a-favor question. They smirked and said, “You’re going to say yes before you know what it is?” Feeling shamed yet faking couragage I answered a hearty yes; but something inside me took note that my “friend,” who had been the beneficiary of my kindness and generosity for months, had just treated me like a doormat. As a result my respect for that person began to fade and the friendship began to slowly unravel.

You may wonder why I didn’t immediately kick this person to the curb. That’s a valid question. For those who love a people-pleaser and genuinely have their best interest at heart, the people-pleaser’s inability to protect themselves quickly and definitively is one of the most frustrating aspects of loving a people-pleaser. So let me explain.

Though that awakening was over two decades ago, I’ve only recently and through experience truly had my mind opened to the dangerous ramifications of people-pleasing. It took so long for the same reason it is such a difficult habit to break – it is a defense mechanism meant to keep me safe from harm – what feels like life threatening harm – that a part of me created when I was very young. To attempt to operate without it feels like certain death.

There is nothing unique about my experience of people-pleasing because every single people-pleaser on this planet and throughout history has shared my conundrum when it comes to being a people-pleaser. We become people pleasers because life and parents teach us that people pleasing is in our best interest. That without people pleasing we not only won’t get what we want but we’ll be hurt. People-pleasing becomes ingrained because it works when we’re little. The more authority figures are made happy, the easier and safer our lives are. Problems begin when people, all kinds of people, take advantage of us and we then feel caught in a bind from which we cannot break free.

This is what goes on inside the people-pleaser’s mind on a daily basis, many times a day. When we are asked to do something we do not want to do, dread sets in. We are in a bind because the second we realize we will not tell the truth, that we will not say no, we begin making excuses inside our heads about why it is the right thing to do to abandon ourselves and give the other person what they want.

After we say yes, the other person’s delight makes no impact on us. We do not feel good about ourselves for making someone else feel happy to get what they want. No sir, the people-pleaser feels resentment. We feel put upon and taken advantage of yet we are clueless as to how to correct this. We also have to figure out what we will have to sacrifice in terms of time, energy, sleep, even money to follow through with our commitment to someone else’s desire.

In addition we feel guilty. We feel guilty for saying yes and not taking care of ourselves. We are genuinely kind and generous people and so we feel guilty for feeling resentment. And we feel guilty for having to take stock of everything we will have to sacrifice to follow through on that “yes.” And that creates more resentment, which we feel guilty about.  

You may wonder why on earth anyone would put themselves through such. If you’re not a people-pleaser you may want to say, “Get a life, man! Come on! How hard can it be to just say no?”

I’ll tell you how hard it is to say no. Here’s what happens, as a people-pleaser, when I say no.

• It feels as though I make myself vulnerable to harm, even death. So I am anxious and afraid before I say no.
• It also feels as though I am harming the other person and so I feel guilty as well.
• Feeling fear, anxiety, and guilt means I believe I will be punished if I don’t change my mind; so, rather than speak my truthful no, I say yes to the request or demand.
• To say no causes me to fear I will be punished with either emotional abandonment or the complete loss of the relationship.
• When the word “no” is loaded with all those thoughts and feelings, it can’t be spoken with enough conviction to be heard.

I hear a rational voice saying, “Well, if they’re going to abandon you for saying no then they weren’t worth your time and your investment in them in the first place.”

Yep, that’s a good, rational point. And in this moment of calm I cannot imagine any of the people in my life actually refusing to continue their relationship with me after I say no. But rationale isn’t what is at work here, nor is it what is at stake.

What’s working in a people-pleaser is a part that got birthed when the people-pleaser was very young – when life kind of revolved around staying out of trouble, behaving in ways so that you didn’t get punished or were punished as little as possible. That part, the people-pleaser, very effectively saved the child from a whole lot of harm. As the child grew life made its contribution, underscoring the good of this people-pleasing part being in charge.

By the time young adulthood came along, this part (which was quite immature with no inkling that the child had grown up to be a capable adult) was still in charge but now undermining the best interests of the adult. Until one day the child had become a middle aged person, exhausted from meeting everyone else’s needs, desires, and wishes; wondering what happened to their own needs, desires, wishes, even dreams; and quite possibly now suffering from a chronic pain disorder. 

When it came time for me to learn the power of “no,” I didn’t understand what boundaries were. I over thought it and made it complicated. I thought I had to figure out what I wanted, when most of the time I seemed to only know what I didn’t want. And then I thought I had to go out there and be tough on people, sort of mentally and emotionally rough them up so I could have what I wanted (whatever that was). Finally, recently, I learned that boundary setting is actually simple. Not easy – it isn’t easy – but it is simple. It’s this:

To set a boundary, you say no. That’s all. Anyone asks for something from you, anything at all that you don’t want to give, you say no. You don’t have to make excuses. You don’t have to mentally or emotionally rough them up and be, to your estimation, selfish and self-centered. You’re simply a human being worthy of having your own needs and wishes respected. That means if you don’t want to do, say, or be whatever someone wants, all you have to do is say no.

So what does that look like and how does the people-pleaser take control of their life and make it better?

My solution dropped into my life unbidden, but I highly recommend it!

It’s called Boundary Setting Boot Camp. To subject oneself to any kind of boot camp, that person needs transformative inspiration. So first I’ll share why I was inspired to transform myself and then I’ll give you the drill that you can take and use in your own life.

• First of all, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia this year. There is a direct and powerful link between fibromyalgia and people-pleasing. So for the rest of my life, the quality of my life absolutely depends on me working through the habitual people-pleasing while stepping fully into boundary setting and detachment.
• Secondly, we got a new puppy who, at nearly a year old, weighs 78 lbs. They tell me he could weigh 120 or more pounds by the time he is four years old! Let me tell you, if you don’t pay attention, people-pleasing turns right into pet-pleasing, which results in an insecure dog taking over the whole family system. With a puppy that weighs 78 lbs., I cannot afford to pet-please.
• Then there are the grandchildren, great nieces, and god-child. This thing about spoiling the youngest generation of children in the family and then passing them back to their parents with a wink and, “Good luck!” is highly over-rated. I cannot in good conscience teach the small children in my life that they can take advantage of me. Boundary setting with children is unequivocally necessary to their growing into secure, confident, and kind people. Plus, I do not want to walk around feeling resentment toward the children in my life because I have allowed them to walk all over me.
• Finally, my soul is hungry for self-respect. I have a powerful personality. I am capable of being articulate and persuasive for the good of others. I have the potential to be seen, heard, and respected by others – but not unless I respect myself first. And self-respect just isn’t found in people-pleasing.
• With the exception of those they are closest to, those who appreciate their kindness and generosity; people-pleasers do not inspire the respect of others. I’m tired of being an easy target for bullies and people that take advantage of others. That lack of respect, given on a consistent basis, is soul wounding. Dealing with it exhausts energy reservoirs better used for making a difference in my corner of the world.

So what’s the drill?

• Embrace your internal People-pleaser. That part did you a fine service for many years. Introduce the grown up you to the People-pleaser, appreciate their service, and let them in on the following points.
• Practice saying no and don’t expect it to be easy. In the beginning, my boundary setting was exhausting. I wanted to give up so badly but my reasons for doing it were magnificent inspiration to keep at it. Some relationships have higher stakes than others. That means it is much harder to say no to someone with whom the stakes are higher.
• You can but you do not have to practice saying arbitrary no’s just to get some practice at it; because if you’ve been people-pleasing long enough, there are plenty of opportunities to set boundaries for real and over things that genuinely matter to you. The things that matter have a variety of intensities and consequences. So rather than arbitrarily saying no, just to get some practice at it, start small with your real needs and desires. It will build your confidence because it will make a difference with things that matter to you.
• Practice the art of self-observation – it will give you some distance between who you really are and the People-pleaser. For instance, the other day I had to turn someone down for perfectly good and valid reasons. To say no and to explain why I was saying no was simple and succinct. There was no reason for hurt feelings. Because I’ve been practicing boundary setting and detachment, I paused at the moment I felt inspired to add an apology for having to say no. In that pause, that gap, I gave myself the option to not apologize. I just said no and why I was saying no and then I stopped talking. Privately, to myself, I pointed out that to apologize was not being polite. What I had said was polite and was enough. To apologize would be people-pleasing and unnecessary.
• Practice detachment. This means that with love and compassion, inside yourself you let it be OK for anyone to be unhappy, resentful, disappointed, angry, hurt, inconvenienced, embarrassed, ashamed or any other negative feeling because you said no. This may be the hardest step of all because in addition to keeping yourself safe, the point of people-pleasing is to control the happiness of others. To make it OK to no longer exercise that control you may have to call on your Lion Heart, to be brave and courageous as you trust the other person to handle whatever comes up for them when you say no.
• Take a break from being hyper alert to how those around you are doing. People-pleasers can be fairly adept at reading the emotions and minds of others. These skills were honed when we were very little and we’ve perfected them through the years. Detachment is part of boundary setting. You can’t detach if you allow your mind to read the environment all the time. You have to learn to trust people to take care of themselves. It isn’t your responsibility to anticipate their needs, desire, wishes, and dreams.
• Some people will try to get you to change back into people-pleasing mode. Sometimes you might give in to their persuasion because it’s the easiest thing to do or because you’re exhausted over practicing boundaries. In a co-dependent relationship, when one person starts to heal from the co-dependency, changing the relationship’s dynamics, the other tries to get them to go back to the way things were before. If you have people in your life that depend on being able to take advantage of you, the same dynamics will be at work. If you give in to the demand for things to go back to the way they were, forgive yourself, let it go, and begin again. Because a beautiful thing is going to happen one day soon. The more you practice boundary setting, the more life will show up to support your endeavor. People that only want to use you will fall out your life. With the people that respect you, greater intimacy and trust will grow. And you will attract new people into your life with whom mutual respect is a given.
• Do not get rid of the internal part that is the People-pleaser. The ability to please people and smooth things over is a valuable asset. For instance, a stranger in public is rude and ugly. This person and the situation are not worth fighting or saying no to. Rather, the internal People-pleaser is there at the ready to help smooth things over and get you on your way, far away from the stranger trying to bait you. Another example would be someone that wants to take advantage of you in a really bad and intimidating way. To just say no actually feels dangerous. That People-pleaser part is capable of, with lightning speed, figuring out how to smooth-talk your way out of the situation, even out of that relationship if necessary.
• Love up on your inner child. That People-pleaser part protected you when you were very, very young. That little person inside you, the child, even perhaps the toddler, needs to know that you, the grown-up adult, can provide for and protect them. Get in touch with that little person regularly and love up on them.
• If you need to or want to, get professional assistance with this. I did. I do. Giving up the lifelong habit of people-pleasing can be difficult and confusing. For me, perhaps for most people-pleasers, this has been who I was every day of my life until just recently. This transformation is like turning around a gigantic cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. It does not turn on a dime! It takes time and with more hands on deck than just mine alone. This is a noble pursuit. If you want or need help with it, get it. You deserve every opportunity to turn your life around!

 

Well, that’s quite the drill! But listen, for people-pleasers, this is all heart stuff. You deserve your own pleasure. You deserve to have your own needs met – your own wishes and desires fulfilled. If you’ve been people pleasing long enough, I dare say those are foreign concepts to you. And they may feel selfish.

When I discovered that all boundary setting is, is saying “no.” And that all detachment is, is allowing people to be responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. And then I started practicing these two scary things, only to discover my world remained intact; it did not, in fact, implode. And I got to experience how boundary setting and detachment actually fuel intimacy, integrity, and dignity. That’s when I began to believe I was worth the same attention, kindness, and generosity I’d been handing out to others. There is enough love to go around, even to us people-pleasers.

If you choose to create your own Boundary Setting Boot camp, have fun with it. You’ll be your own best hero. And it’ll change your life!