I don’t remember the day it started nor exactly why it began, though I do know how I gained control over it: with some self-love and self-care that showed up like a pair of angels!

I was a middle-aged adult when I began stuttering. It blindsided me! Having to to do with social anxiety, my thoughts would get derailed. It created even more stress than I was already under. I’d make a contribution to a conversation when suddenly a word would disappear. Repeating the last one or two words I’d been speaking, I’d be unable to stop or move forward. Finally I’d blurt out a description of the word I was looking for. Then I could finish my thought and bring my contribution to the conversation to a close.

With natural ease my husband began supplying the words I couldn’t reach. Once I had the word, I’d stop stuttering and finish my sentence. This pattern we fell into was easier for everyone as it felt similar to the phenomenon of one person finishing the other’s sentence.

Nevertheless, it was frustrating, embarrassing, and anxiety producing. It was humiliating. I didn’t know what to do about it nor who to see about it. I didn’t even Google it and I Google everything! It had me feeling weak and even more socially awkward. So I took my concern to a soft, reclusive place inside my imagination.

The first angel shows up.

Pondering the situation, I remembered a friend of mine, stunningly beautiful, who’d struggled with stuttering in her childhood. I don’t know how she overcame it. As an adult it would occur infrequently. But I didn’t think any less of my friend for her rare and slight stutter! I allowed that realization to soothe me about how I must look to others whenever I stuttered.

Upon further reflection I decided the stuttering was a result of a series of losses I’d recently experienced. Both parents, a grandmother and an uncle, and a dear friend who was like a sister to me had died within the previous three years. Those losses were compounded by the “good stress” of a move. Research has shown those kinds of stressors can take years off your life. They certainly make life a little harder in the aftermath – even the good stress of a move to a bit of mountain paradise.

The second angel arrives.

One day, mid-stutter, I followed a hunch. Slowing everything down, I slowed down my thinking, I slowed down my breathing, and I slowed down the sounds coming out of my mouth till I fell silent. Then I slowed down my feelings by reassuring me.

Silently I said, “It’s OK, sweetie. Get your bearing. I love you.”

And then I found the word I’d lost and continued on with what I had to say. I liked the way that felt, so in the days ahead continued working with the stutter this way.  In addition, when I felt self-conscious in front of whomever I’d been speaking and stuttering, I’d remember my beautiful friend who rarely stuttered, and then I’d relax.

Eventually my stuttering became infrequent. Now it too is a rare occurrence.

I think there is a third angel!

What I stumbled upon is something I’ve since learned from psychotherapy. In at least two ways I create a gap between stuttering and the emotional reaction to it: 1) by recalling my friend who managed her rare stutter with grace and 2) by slowing down mid-stutter to give myself compassion and love. By creating these gaps I free myself up to respond to the stutter in ways that create calm instead of internal chaos. I create gaps that give me back control.

Prior to creating those gaps I’d go directly from stuttering to an internal conversation that sounded like this, “What’s wrong with me? How embarrassing! Is this becoming a thing?! What the hell?!?!” With my body tightening from the anxiety and frustration, that kind of emotional derailment and negative words insured the continued presence of the problem.

So when one day I settled down after stuttering and thought of my friend, I created a gap in my usual way of thinking about it – a gap that got filled with hope. And the day I just stopped talking and silently turned loving attention on myself, I created a gap that got filled with love.

Getting science on board

Since then I’ve learned from my psychotherapist that under stress the part of our brain that processes things using logic goes underground while a more primitive part takes over, defending and guiding us as if we’re being chased by a saber tooth tiger when, in reality, we’re just dealing with something like a stutter. Something stressful that if fixed would make life easier.

Our logical minds diving for cover as fight, flight, or freeze take control is an automatic and primitive defense mechanism. There is a trick to recovering our logic. The trick is to create a gap where curiosity and compassion can take over, soothing the primitive working of our brain and bringing logic back up front and center.

When the stutter returns the “angels” are present!

I actually stuttered earlier today. While out and about I’d had an unusually stressful few hours. A lot of it was good stress and none of it was a big deal. But stress upon stress piled up. On my way home I stopped for gas at a neighborhood market that has a new owner. He’s in the middle of switching out old gas pumps for new. I went inside to see if the one old pump that seemed to be available was working. 

“It is working. The new pumps should be operational tomorrow. But, yes, you can fill your car today.”

I couldn’t pay for my gas at the old pump and I’d left my purse in the car. I said, “Can I, can I, can I…I’m stuttering.” I smiled and paused. “May I pay you after I pump gas or would you rather I pay you now? It doesn’t matter to me which one.”

He is a nice man and so either because of that or because I was self-effacing, he decided to trust me and let me pay for the gas after I filled the tank. The point, though, is that I didn’t get socially derailed by a case of stuttering.

I believe I handled it gracefully because I’ve practiced this kind of self-care, of creating gaps in which to bring curiosity and compassion to stressful situations, for a while now – first by accident and, more recently, with intention. The stutter showed up for the first time four years ago. It appears rarely anymore, but when it comes I’m able to handle it as I did today.

The gift is in the details.

Life is hard. One of the ways we make it harder is with fierce emotional reactions to unexpected setbacks. Reacting to negative experiences with anger, resentment, or even disdain for others or our own selves doesn’t have to rule our lives. We can make life easier and more pleasant by approaching difficulties with curiosity and compassion. I’m still learning to apply this type of self-care to other situations, as well as situations I myself create, where my first response is a fierce emotional reaction.

I will say that it takes more energy, oomph, and resilience to nurture the habit of curiosity and compassion as a first response. But it is also true that responding to everything with curiosity and compassion can become a real good habit and thus eventually become effortless.