Structure Makes Children and Adults Feel Held. That’s Why It’s Comforting.
Structure makes children and adults feel held. That’s why it’s comforting. But in this fateful year of 2020, the structure of all our lives, worldwide, changed dramatically. For many of us the routine structure of our lives just went missing!As with the worry and concern of getting sick and the grief of lives lost, the loss of structure in our lives causes stress. It steals peace of mind and unsettles the soul. For me it affected my appetite, sleep, and mood, bringing a persistent feeling of malaise.
Recently, though, after taking a juicy bite of my favorite pizza, I woke up to a spectacular realization! I have control over creating structure in my life! In fact, I’d already begun exercising that control and felt better for it.
Date Day (before)
Our usual date day isn’t what it was before the pandemic. In those days a typical date day occurred on a Friday. It was a favorite meal out and a movie, perhaps running an errand on the way home. It’s only been six months since the last time we saw a movie in a theater, but it feels as if it’s been years!
For the past six months and counting our date day looks like this. Every Saturday, after our morning hike with our dog we get dressed for the day and dress up for each other. Then we head for our favorite pizza place. On the way I visit the restaurant’s website and place our to-go order. Joseph parks close to the door for me to run in (mask up) and get the pizza and our drinks. When I return to the car, we drive to an isolated spot in the parking lot. There we turn off the engine, turn on the radio, roll down the windows, enjoy our pizza and some light conversation!
That’s the date!
Date Day (after)
Relaxing in the car while enjoying our favorite pizza takeout, eating half in order to save the other half for Sunday lunch (when we’ll finish it off along with CBS Sunday Morning that we recorded earlier), is nothing like dinner out and a movie at the theater used to be.
It’s even further removed from getting dressed to go to a fancy restaurant for a romantic dinner. But it works for us right now.
Our Saturday lunch dates work because they provide structure to each week. They’re also ritualistic, which gives a feeling of being at home with oneself. We have other things built into our schedule that, though not like before the pandemic, provide focus and goal setting.
And to the degree that the structure in our lives, though different than before, provides comfort, the better we, as a couple, get along.
I will admit I still miss the old structure of my life. But creating new structure, relaxing into it, appreciating the new structure and appreciating my ability to create it, keep me balanced. It also gives me the opportunity to feel held by the life I create. And that, as it turns out, is good stuff.
What about the structure in your life?
Whatever structure is in place for you right now, consider being present to it for deepening that sense of comfort, of being held by the world you create.And if you feel like you’re still flailing in the face of the restrictions COVID-19 has placed on all our lives; imagine how you can provide some structure to your life in ways that support you, that comfort you, that make you feel held.
Even in a pandemic, even with social restrictions, we create the world we live in. How can you bring loving structure to your life, as it is right now, such that you feel held and supported by the life you create?
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