What Taylor Swift taught me about bullies today is something my wise and compassionate psychotherapist has been telling me all along! And it has everything to do with self-care and self-compassion.

He calls those that challenge us our “tor-mentors” because they mentor us to, for instance, set better boundaries. Perhaps learn boundaries in the first place. Learn to be kind to ourselves and not allow folks to push us around.

Though I try to hide it, the idea of giving them that kind of grace makes me want to squint and give the side-eye.

Teachers?! Mentors?! Those that torment me? Really?!

I’m too arrogant for that. I don’t like it. It leaves me feeling as if I’m at risk of being humble and vulnerable with the wrong people.

It’s hard to wrap my thoughts and feelings around the idea that it’s just one way of understanding that I can perceive Life as acting against me or I can see how Life shows up as one opportunity after another to grant me more opportunities for wholeness and happiness.

In other words, I’m in control of how I allow others to influence my life and happiness – even when they’ve been rude, mean, or cruel. Especially when the bullying tripped me up, igniting words and behavior from me that made me cringe for years afterward.

Nevertheless, I cognitively understand the advice. 

I know it can be a true phenomenon. Because on my own and on rare occasions, it’s been true that those that tormented me mentored me. (And each time it has been a defining moment in humility.)

The bullies that coursed through my life taught me two things.

Some can be told, especially when using an authoritative tone, to stop. And they do. They unblend from the bully part inside them and reconsider their relationship with me as well as their relationship with themselves.

I noticed how they paused and reconsidered their choices after I said, “Stop it!” Then they chose friendship and relationship over the need to dominate and humiliate.

But some people seem wired for dominating others, unable to refrain from doing it.

It turns out some people must be ignored and that I am not a bad person when I’ve done just that – ignored them. Because when I’ve not ignored them, and things only got worse instead of better, it meant I indulged their mean behavior and that’s not OK. 

And so… yes… (whisper it now to preserve dignity –>) my bullies have been my teachers. 

 

 

Today I heard the same message from Taylor Swift – that her tormentors have been her teachers.

What she expressed was poetic and raw, dancing across my soul – inviting me to pay attention.

I love Taylor Swift, ever since 1989 – the album, not the year. 

So, earlier this year and once she made all the tracks available, I added The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology to my Spotify list. There are so many songs on that album… 31 to be exact. 

These songs are the work of a tortured poet. Thus, it’s taken me awhile to listen.

Fortunately, with Spotify, I can carry my phone in my pocket and listen as I do chores around the house. The car’s Bluetooth picks up where I left off. And I can gently sink into the experience that is a new Taylor Swift album off and on throughout the day. 

Sometimes it becomes background noise. Other times lyrics stand out, inviting me to listen because of how I identify. 

For instance, Taylor was bullied at school as a child and teen. She still is. The same is true for me. 

Today I heard her thank her bullies. 

Thanked them as it is because of them that she is where she is today.

She’s a brilliant creative, won multiple awards and made millions of dollars, is close to her family, and is strong enough to keep inviting the love of a partner into her life no matter how many relationships have ended. All the while, never losing her heart or her soul. Thanks, in part she says, to the bullies that tormented her.

I know, for myself, my empathy has only grown stronger through the years because of how I’ve been pushed against and pulled on by bullies. They haven’t beaten it out of me. And lately my need for and the learning curve of making and enforcing healthy boundaries has come front and center. I’ve given myself the time necessary to tackle that learning curve – never ending though it may be. 

And I’m learning what it is about me that makes me a target to bullies.

It’s personality stuff – I’m perceived as an easy target. I am generous in multiple ways and that makes me a target. But it also seems to be something ethereal – in the space I occupy – like a magnetic field, attracting bullies. Or attracting even nice people whose internal bully part simply can’t resist the target standing in front of them. Me being nice and considerate of their feelings and, in the process, driving them mad.

Something like that!

Lifetime of being bullied! And… I am stronger for it.

They didn’t break me!

Since the bullies didn’t break me, maybe they taught me to become proficient at expressing empathy and compassion in healthy ways that finally include healthy boundaries. Sometimes the only kindness available for them or me is to walk away. For me to stop indulging their bad behavior.

A voice inside says, “Are you sure about this?!” though her tone suggests she’s probably on board.

“Yes,” I answer. “I do believe so.”

Taylor’s song is Thank You aIMee. It’s these lyrics that captured my attention:

I wrote a thousand songs that you find uncool
I built a legacy that you can’t undo
But when I count the scars, there’s a moment of truth
That there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you

~ Taylor Swift ~ thanK you aIMee

 

This essay is a reflection on bullies in interpersonal relationships. Ignoring bullies and manipulators isn’t the answer when it’s on the world stage or inside our communities. Politicians that incite division, war mongering, and create wars are a type of bully who need to be challenged and held accountable – never ignored.