Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart

Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart was written because of the work my husband and I did to figure out why some of the very things that had drawn us to one another seemed to then push us apart.

It was more than the common situation of what we once admired about the other we then found annoying after living together.

For instance, it was deeper than things such as my knowing from the moment Joseph first spoke directly to me that he was a directive person but later finding myself feeling controlled. And, for him, it was more than realizing that my vivaciousness, which was once cute and sexy, drew too much attention to us when we were out in public, making him feel unnecessarily exposed.

Through work we did in group settings led by therapists trained in Systemic Family Constellations, we discovered that he was a mama’s boy and I was a daddy’s girl. That these “energies,” so to speak, were part of the deep attraction between us. However, over time, they had begun to dominate our relationship.

In what follows I tell you about the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl energies. Then I share a personal story about how those showed up between a colleague and me and how I used one of the techniques in the book to turn that around.

It is true that if you are a mama’s boy or a daddy’s girl, you can find yourself having to deal with the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl energies in other people. This can occur across your daily life, negatively impacting your happiness.

In our marriage, the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl energies created a push/pull dynamic that was worse than annoying. It was disrespectful of both of us, and threatened to tear us apart.

It was like a dance. A dance that had a playful and delightful beginning but then turned into a dance marathon that became exhausting and damaging.

Could we get back to our playful, loving, supportive “dance?”

As we studied the Mama’s Boy and Daddy’s Girl energies between us we discovered there is so much more to being a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl than the stereotypes we’re all used to.

You know the stereotype – that of a mama’s boy tied to his mama’s apron strings. He can’t seem to function without her directing his life. Or the one about the daddy’s girl who is too good for every one that wants to love her. She’s certain no one will ever measure up to daddy.

As it turns out, and as is true of most things in life, there are nuances in these traits that deserve attention.

For instance, there are mama’s boys who are not “tied to their mother’s apron strings.” Rather, they are deftly attuned to the needs and desires of the women and children in their lives. These men show up for others in loving and nurturing ways reminiscent of their mothers’ love and care.

And there are daddy’s girls who are capable, driven leaders that make a positive difference in the world. Their leadership is reminiscent of their fathers’ leadership in their home and community. They get amazing things done because their perspective is so wide and their confidence so strong.

These are not bad traits! They are awesome traits! Issues arise when our brains, fueled by hormones and ancient wiring undermine our confidence in ourselves and one another.

Getting Back to Love is about how people can recognize when the conflicts between couples or conflicts at one’s workplace and in one’s social world have this mama’s boy/daddy’s girl flavor of control and dominance.

Getting Back to Love helps individuals and couples pay attention to and address times when you are pulled on or pushed against in ways that have a sticky, parent-child feeling about it. As a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl, you can find yourself in either position – parent or child.

Written in 2007 by us, a married heterosexual couple, the book is written from the perspective of opposite sex dynamics. However, it has a broader usefulness for when the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl energy is consistently present and causing damage to any relationship.

The day I powerfully put this work into practice.

One particular moment of taking my power back from this energy with a colleague stands out for me. This moment is about my using a tool you will find in Getting Back to Love.

I was a seminary student and – as was usual for me as a daddy’s girl – I found apparent mama’s boys attracted to me. Because of my awareness, I found it humorous and treated it lightly until one day one of them felt the need to put me in my place.

My husband and I were in a years-long process of trying to get pregnant. I was in my early forties. It was a big deal. And in the context of pastoral care and counseling courses, this had become common knowledge about me among a number of students.

There was one seminarian, with that knowledge of my desire to have children, who had routinely teased me. One time, grinning like a naughty little boy, he stuck his unwashed hand in my protein snack bag, snagging some for himself before class began. I was incensed. My response insured he only did it the one time. 

Some weeks later, while I was having a quiet lunch in my car and studying with the windows down, he came up to talk to me – or “at” me. He had a funny story to share about his two children that ended with him cocking his head at me, saying, “You’re not really a parent until you’ve had at least two children,” followed by a pause, big smile, and a pointed stare.

I gave him a false chuckle and turned my attention back to my reading, shutting him out. He snorted one final laugh, patted the window frame, and took his leave.

Recognizing the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl dynamic between us and how it resulted in his need to dominate me, I used one of my own tools.

Before I returned my attention to my lunch and my studies, I turned my attention within and said a kind of mantra: “I am no man’s mother. I am no man’s mother. In fact, am no one’s mother.”

I wasn’t being harsh or mean to me. Rather, as I repeated that phrase, I acknowledged what is true. In doing so, I released the daddy’s girl energy I carry from attracting mama’s boys that want to feed off me as if I am a mother-substitute they can harass for their pleasure and need.

For instance, I would have changed the words of the “mantra” only a little if I were the mother of a singular child and found myself in the same situation. In that case I would have reassured myself with these words. “I am not that man’s mother. I am no man’s mother. In fact, I am only  the mother of _________.” That too would have released my daddy’s girl energy from attracting this kind of man’s mean attention.

And it worked! I began using that phrase, silently within, every single time I crossed paths with any seminarian that I could tell wanted to – from his mama’s boy energy – play a push and pull game with me. 

And they stopped. That kind of attention stopped coming my way.

Getting Back to Love can make a difference for you too!

Getting Back to Love provides this and other remedies for navigating your relationships that are impacted by the mama’s boy and/or daddy’s girl energies. So that the love between you and your person can once again flow freely. Or the energy between you and a colleague, or you and someone in your social world can return to respect and appreciation once again.

Getting Back to Love is available on Kindle at Amazon.